When I first knew Enneagram, it was just some friends who took a module or two and came out telling me that I look like a type 2 and when I asked, they said, “You are the helper.”
When I get dramatic and I am over caring or over protective, they said, “You are a 2 this is you.” I wanted to know more, so they told me to go and take the course and learn more about my type.
When I had the first module I was thinking to myself, “Is that true? Am I a type 2 as all have said?”
Yes I guess. I love to help, I always work to gain people’s love, try to please, take care of all and want them to be mine and never let go. In the meantime, the people around me are learning more about the Enneagram and start typing others as if they became the experts doing it with the passion of the song “I believe I can fly” but with our own lyrics, “ I believe I caaan tyyyype. I believe I can type.” In reality, they were actually typing the behavior rather than the deep motivator inside of each one of us.
I decided I will not look at what they were saying and continue discovering trying to be the best of my own type. After a while I was shocked and started to hate the type. I didn’t like how it is needy and greedy. I even thought that I was the love vampire even though I was surprised as I realized the anger that was there when I am down. I began to understand where the anger came from, but still I was like I am a vampire. I suck the love from all, I drain them.
I had that inner voice: “Vampire… Vampire love suckerrrrr, you made them all suffer!!! I put all the blame I could ever get put on myself. I felt the shame of all my past life experiences when I was fully in my type.
Then right after that chaos I had of being a vampire I was lucky to hear a lecture with Russ Hudson who was talking about all types and how they are dealing with their own hearts. Suddenly I heard how the 2s are dealing with themselves and others. The metaphor was a garden full of beautiful roses that the 2s takes good care of them and suddenly they find themselves stepping on the most beautiful rose they have and realize that that was themselves forgetting to take care of their own.
On that day I had a new realization that among people’s needs we lose ourselves and never know if that was our real need or it’s just the sense that we have for others needs. I thought of situations from the past and didn’t get what I was really doing to myself and others. I was shocked when I looked at my entire life with such honesty!
At that point, I was between “Am I living a lie between my need or others? How can I solve that?”
I started to question myself over and over again. Sometimes I had a clear answer and some other I just have no clue and get more and more confused. I knew there was something I need to do but had no clue what was it!
My relationship with Enneagram was bouncing between I hate you then I love then I love you then I hate you. I always challenge myself, I found that I can join the Enneagram board hoping that this might help me with the Enneagram relationship through serving the community.
During that time along came my teacher Deborah Ooten. This was the life changing point I had with Enneagram. I was hating my type and having second thoughts about Enneagram. Would it help me get all the demons in front of me? Would I be able to reach any healthy stage? I was struggling with other types and my shame and pride of my own type?
At that time of the course I learned how healthy types can look when we have compassion for all types. She explained all types can be good and bad. It gave me a different view of Enneagram. I started to handle myself differently. The Observer was activated since then I was looking differently at my type and other types. I see how I react and interact, and yes there are ups and downs, yet each time there is a new learning and sensation and watch carefully what it resonates.
I had another workshop that made me see how a 2 with all the energy it turns to be an 8 when we reach the down time. Pride can eat us same as the anger in the 8s and how the energy turns into fire that 2s cannot bear at all. At that point I started to feel compassion for a type 8 that has been somehow a pain in my life. I nearly apologized to all 8s I knew. I had that experience of anger to had a taste of what they feel. Since then, I started to look differently at all types and see where the pain comes from and found out that no matter what is in or out, it’s always the heart. Some types don’t see their heart, some others are disconnected from their hearts and some even donated their heart to anyone but themselves and the whole solution is that as we study, we have a way back to our heart.
Then I was lucky to complete that important part of the journey to attend the IEA conference to see how 2s can be in the healthy forms and talk to them, share with them my fears. People who speak my language, who are helpers, but in the healthiest form know their needs as well others’. I saw a lot of teachers of different types in a different level of consciousness and that really made me love all types and consequently love Enneagram in less than 5 days. To see the types that give you pain in their best form makes you have hope on how they will be. You see your own type and know that in the end, it’s just a type but what you are made of represents you at the end. The more you go ahead working on yourself and believe, the more you will get to it and reach your heart and that was what I’ saw in everyone attending the conference. They were all connected to their hearts and that’s the magic of Enneagram. I found different flavors of the Enneagram magic in all the teachers and gurus I met there. We are all one no one sees the other but someone who has gone through a journey and not coming to share heart to heart with other to be in that safe community.
I saw proof that it’s all about the heart regardless of cultural beliefs. Can get we are together in love with Enneagram? You find one of the Enneagram secrets: as soon as you manage to find your heart, the whole magic begins. You connect and as soon as you connect, you get why you are here and what your role in this universe is. So now I started my journey as a heart type to connect to my heart. I am now proudly in love with my type the heart type they called 2. I love you!
Enneagram is the art of connecting your heart by being in your own circle connecting to other types and going back and forth between them. So I am now starting a new phase of the journey. I am enjoying and in the phase of the endless love with the Enneagram and even more enjoying all the flavors of Enneagram as at the end we will reach the enlightenment by knowing ourselves.
I am now in the phase where I will learn more about myself through Enneagram. All the inner work I need to do and I don’t care about the time it will take but I know at the end I will be the one among a lot of people who will show others their hearts. By now, I had gone down a long road to understand my needs and to see my heart. Sometimes I fail but with every fail I find an new thing that helps me understand my role in this universe. I see how beautiful I turned out to be by just being me and knowing my needs and taking care of my rose the rose that represents Me. I will spread the love the kindness to help others see the magic of Enneagram and how it can make a big change when you just see your own heart. Now I can say I am enjoying the journey to love a heart type which is actually Me…my heart. Enjoy your journey and make them special.
